Observations of a Serial Interviewer by Steven Ra Ga

It’s been a minute.

I love my new job. Never said that before.

It started me thinking.

I have been battling chronic depression since grade 2. I have tried medicine and meditation, I have even tried physical activity.

There is no cure.

So I started thinking recently.

Differently.

What if?

There is a unique difference between depression, awareness and acceptance. To the point that depression isn’t debilitating.

Cause that really the damaged right, when depression stops you from enjoying life, from eating, getting out of bed or just functioning.

In my life going back some years I have had a few mental breakdowns, most recently and severely was trying to make a living in Vancouver, this ended late 2017.

What happened was a build up, excessive drinking, partying, sex addiction, procrastinating, and lack of sleep.

All of that built up enough + some external factors and poof, I was making plans to jump for the lions gate bridge, 100ft to my doom.

Clearly I didn’t jump. I was saved by experimenting with prescription medicine. And moved back in with my parents to rehab my brain.

I am cured. Kinda.

My Step Dad died in June, my Mom is battling Cemo, and I am slipping back into depression.

But it’s not debilitating like it used to be. So now I wonder. What if?

What if? Depression is actually some kinda of survival mechanism or evolutionary advantage we are trying to cure like it’s some kind of disease?

Like for me, as an example, I am super aware, almost autistic awareness. When I am eating my favourite meal pig rigs bbq style, I think to myself “this came from an animal, it lived and now I am eating it. How sad.” Or “this plastic container I know where it goes when I toss it away. How sad, that it doesn’t always get recycled.” Or “how many times can we recycle plastic until it’s just trash?” Or “that drugged out homeless person made some decisions in life, and I haven’t the means to help them. How tragic.”

Everyday I can think of something to be sad about, and be aware, no mater how strong I get, how much money I make, we humans can’t escape our fate of death. We are mortal and there is no coming back. Maybe in the supernatural or spiritual but coming back as I am now.

Acceptance. I think this is the key. With out the meds to sedate me, the key is to accept our fate, and embrace it. Love your life to the fullest but be mindful of the end.

Making money now, might afford me a peaceful old age.

I don’t know. But I realize in my own self that when I was depressed it was as though I became a different version of myself “ugly” and now that I am content I feel “handsome” although scared I feel ready for the next chapter.

Yah, depression I think is just an overwhelming amount of awareness of our surroundings and existence. And that if we find away to make peace with it, accept it, and study it, perhaps we can weld it as a super power rather than an illness.

I also think.

Having something to do, keeps the thoughts at bay. Now that I am focused on making sales, I have less time to cry about the things in my life I can’t control. Like not getting a job after 100s of interviews or etc.

So in those small moments of sadness I just turn to my love of art and work. It makes those bad thoughts go away.

So when there is no work, I hope to turn to this blog post and remember just to keep busy.